The Staple Remover: A blood mongering vicious demon of an inanimate contraption.

To some, this little guy may appear inconspicuous, but this black hat of all stationary items is a malicious beast that one must never dare to challenge (and by 'challenge' I mean 'not pay attention to while it's sitting on the floor'). How do these things happen? 'Tactical planning' sounds more reasonable for this injury to have been pulled off. Planning of God, I say! There's no other way to consider this but as a big 'eff you' from the man himself. I mean what's a better way to say it than "Good morning, I understand that you're thinking about attending your ENC class on time today, but here's a staple remover lodged up your finger nail, enjoy!". I'm beginning to catch on to a reoccurring pattern that makes it appear as if I am bound to either eternal tardies or eternal gradually increasing injuries, or maybe even both for this class. Why is it that the earlier I wake up to ensure punctuality for this class the worse things happen? What's next? Do I dare to wake another hour earlier, understanding my chances of increasing hazardous encounters simply based by perceived pattern?
How is it that other people suffer less from injuries? Common injuries for 'normal' people are generally like... on occasions stubbing your pinky-toe, or biting your tongue really hard by accident while eating. My common injuries are... getting sliced open from my hand down my wrist via 'coconut', really bad cardboard cuts, staple remover up the finger nail... critically injured by bottle caps and anything 'potentially' (or not) sharp, abuse happens even from the most absurd objects. My guess is that my best bet for avoiding any further tardies for this class is waking up before the sun is willing to show it's face, with a bubble suit at the foot of my bed!